A-List Singers Seek Hazard Pay for Perilous Gig of Kardashian Nuptials

It turns out that being a global superstar isn't enough to pay the bills anymore—you also have to moonlight as a high-stakes wedding singer for people who think a casual Saturday involves renting out an entire Italian fortress. Lana Del Rey and Andrea Bocelli supposedly survived the Kim Kardashian and Kanye West extravaganza, which we all know is basically the celebrity equivalent of performing inside a spinning blender filled with white roses. Rumor has it that Bocelli had to wear noise-canceling headphones just to filter out the sound of Kanye re-editing his own vows for the fourteenth time. Meanwhile, Lana was reportedly paid in vintage Hollywood vibes and the sheer terror of having to look ‘sad-girl chic’ while a literal wall of flowers threatened to collapse on the hors d'oeuvres. It’s hard out here for a crooner when the bride's veil has a longer social media following than your last three albums combined. Stevie Wonder even showed up for John Legend and Chrissy Teigen’s big day, proving that even a living legend isn't safe from the siren call of an open bar and a four-tier cake. At this point, if you haven’t serenaded a billionaire while they argue about seating charts, are you even a musician? We’re hearing that the next big industry trend is Adele charging extra just to dodge flying bouquets during the reception.