ANGELINA JOLIE TRADES DATING APPS FOR DRAMATIC OPERA CAPES AND ETERNAL SOLITUDE

Angelina Jolie has officially confirmed that she hasn't been on a date in ten years, and honestly, we relate. Instead of swiping through blurry bathroom selfies of guys named Chad who 'love hiking,' Angie has opted to spend her time becoming an opera legend and wearing capes that cost more than your house. Who needs a boyfriend when you have six kids and a cheekbone structure that can cut glass? Insiders say the actress is totally over the whole 'romance' thing. While the rest of us are crying over unread texts, Angelina is busy staring intensely into the middle distance and being an international icon. She basically told the world that her heart is under a permanent 'Do Not Disturb' sign, and we are totally here for this decade-long dry spell. Word on the street is her standards are so high that even a literal prince would have to submit a three-volume resume and a letter of recommendation from the UN just to get a coffee. If you aren't a mid-century opera singer or a literal gargoyle, you probably don't have a chance. Stay single, Queen, those silk robes aren't going to wear themselves!