Beyoncé Swaps Penthouse Nuptials For Secret Ceremony Inside A Giant Hollowed-Out Sourdough Loaf

It’s been years since Beyoncé and Jay Z pulled off their legendary top-secret penthouse wedding, but my sources tell me Queen Bey is officially bored with luxury real estate. Word is she’s eyeing a vow renewal that makes a New York skyscraper look like a hobby lobby craft project. She’s reportedly scouting out local bakeries to find a loaf of bread large enough to house a destination wedding for two hundred people. Apparently, the theme is 'Whole Grain Glamour.' While normal mortals are out here struggling to buy a single baguette, Beyoncé is busy commissioning a custom-leavened cathedral. I heard she wants the guests to wear butter-yellow sequins and the aisle to be paved with nothing but toasted croutons. If you aren't gluten-free, you aren't on the list, honey! Jay Z is reportedly thrilled about the move because it means he can finally stop paying for venue insurance and just eat the walls if the party goes on too long. Honestly, after seeing Elizabeth Taylor get hitched at a zoo, this is the only logical next step. If your wedding venue doesn't have a crusty exterior and a soft, airy center, are you even a mogul anymore? Stay toasted, Bey.