Billionaire Nap Champion Named Amid Most Exhausting Week In Human History

Listen, if you haven’t checked the superlative charts this week, you’re basically living under a rock—and frankly, the rock probably has a better skincare routine. Everyone is losing their minds over who is officially the ‘Most Likely to Steal a Yacht’ and it’s honestly the only news that matters while the sun tries to melt our collective Botox. Our favorite royals and reality rejects are currently duking it out for the title of ‘Biggest Drama Over a Salad,’ and let’s just say the leafy greens are winning. Every engagement announcement feels like a personal attack on our singleness, but at least we can mock their choice of artisanal napkins from the comfort of our air-conditioned gloom. The baby news is also hitting different this week. One star apparently won ‘Most Likely to Name Their Child After a Kitchen Appliance,’ which is a bold move even for Hollywood. If you aren't wearing a sheer dress to a grocery store or breaking up with your boyfriend via a cryptic Pinterest board, are you even trying to stay relevant? So, grab your iced coffee and prepare to judge. Whether it’s style wins or romantic bins, the superlatives are out, the vibes are chaotic, and we are legally obligated to care about every single second of it.