Bongo Man and Hemp King Finally Undergo Genetic Testing to Prove Shared DNA

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, and by 'we,' I mean every stoner who’s ever stared at a lava lamp for too long. Matthew McConaughey grabbed his bongo drums and his iPhone to post a birthday tribute to his 'brother' Woody Harrelson, fueled by that legendary rumor that their moms were getting a little too friendly back in the day. Honestly, if they aren’t related, then the universe is just playing a very cruel joke on our facial recognition software. Every time these two are in a room together, the humidity rises by ten percent and the nearby hemp plants start standing at attention. The throwback photo Matthew shared looked like two guys who definitely share the same 'secret ingredient' for a potato salad. I’m convinced their blood types are just 'Texas' and 'Botanical Garden,' respectively. We’re one ancestry kit away from them forming a sovereign nation where the only law is being 'alright, alright, alright.' Woody turning another year older just means he’s one step closer to his final form: a piece of very wise driftwood that can quote Shakespeare. Meanwhile, Matthew is out here acting like a proud younger brother, probably because they both have that specific brand of squinty-eyed charisma that makes you want to buy a Lincoln and move into a yurt. If a paternity test ever comes out, I hope they film the reveal as a buddy cop movie where they just high-five for two hours.