Bootcut Jeans Are Back Because Nicole Kidman Hates Your Tiny Calves

It’s over for your circulation, babes. Nicole Kidman has decided that if her legs aren’t breathing, nobody’s legs are breathing. She’s reportedly ditching the high-fashion spandex for bootcut jeans that cost less than a martini in West Hollywood. We’re talking under twenty bucks to look like you’re ready to ride a horse or at least stand very near one while looking pensive. Jennifer Garner is apparently in on the conspiracy too. Local insiders say the vibe is 'Midwestern Mom Who Just Won the Lottery.' The stars are flocking to Amazon to buy denim that has enough room in the hem to hide a small family of raccoons or at least a very chunky platform sneaker. It’s the ultimate fashion pivot for people who are tired of peeling their pants off like a banana skin every night. If you see a woman at the grocery store looking like a 2004 pop star who just discovered Prime shipping, don't be alarmed. It’s just the Kidman Influence at work. We’re one week away from everyone wearing butterfly clips and frosted lip gloss again. Brace yourselves, because the ankles are going into hiding and they aren't coming out until the shipping is free.