Clive Davis Bans Bad Singers From Living Future Life via Bizarre Contract

Word on the street is that Clive Davis isn't just a legend in the studio; he’s now the self-appointed gatekeeper of the afterlife’s VIP lounge. Insiders say the man who discovered Whitney has officially filed paperwork to ensure his ears never have to endure a flat note again, even if he's technically off the clock for the foreseeable future. Apparently, Clive’s guest list for his upcoming celestial residency is tighter than a pair of 1970s disco pants. If you can't hit a high C like Jennifer Hudson or Alicia Keys, you’re basically relegated to the lobby with the elevator music. The industry is buzzing that he’s even requested Kenny G to stand at the velvet rope just to blow a warning note at anyone trying to sneak in with an auto-tune habit. Bruce Springsteen and Dionne Warwick are supposedly the only ones with a permanent 'Plus One' pass, while the rest of the Billboard 100 is currently sweating through their vocal rehearsals. Sources say Clive is taking his 'A&R forever' brand so seriously that he’s even judging the pitch of the wind. Honestly, it’s the most iconic career move since he decided to make everyone wear power suits in the eighties.