Declan Rice Bans Girlfriend from Sidelines After Her Cheering Breaks Midfield Sound Barrier

Listen, we all love a supportive partner, but Lauren Fryer is taking 'cheerleader' to a level that requires a structural integrity permit. Word on the pitch is that when Declan Rice makes a tackle, Lauren doesn’t just clap—she emits a sonic boom that has actually caused a three percent drop in the local bird population. The England squad is reportedly looking into issuing high-grade earplugs to the coaching staff just to survive the ninety-minute scream-fest. Declan is apparently so worried about the sheer decibel level of his lady's love that he’s asked her to trade her vocal cords for a very large, silent foam finger. It’s hard to focus on a tactical 4-4-2 formation when your girlfriend’s enthusiasm is literally rattling the grass off the pitch. Sources say the goalie thought a jet was landing, but no, it was just Lauren reacting to a standard throw-in. Despite the noise complaints from the clouds, the pair is stronger than ever. Lauren has promised to tone it down to a dull roar, though neighbors near the stadium have already started reinforcing their windows with plywood. If Declan Rice wins the cup, expect the resulting cheer to be heard clearly on the moon.