Dwayne Johnson Refuses to Morph Into 2D Drawing for Live-Action Moana Remake

Disney is playing a dangerous game of 'Spot the Difference' with the new Moana cast, and frankly, the fans are sweating. While the studio is busy comparing the human actors to their ink-and-paint predecessors, Hollywood insiders say Dwayne Johnson is drawing a line in the sand—specifically, he refuses to lose his third dimension for the sake of 'artistic consistency.' Apparently, there was a brief, terrifying meeting where a high-ranking executive asked if The Rock could 'flatten out' to better resemble the 2016 Maui. Dwayne reportedly responded by flexing a bicep so hard the conference table cracked in half. He’s keeping the muscles, the HD skin texture, and his refusal to be compressed into a JPEG, thank you very much. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast is looking so much like their animated twins that we’re starting to suspect Disney is just 3D-printing people now. It’s getting spooky. If the ocean doesn't pipe up with some sentient water-high-fives soon, we’re going to assume the live-action version is just a very expensive high-budget hallucination.