Emmy Rossum Shocked to Discover New Baby Is Actually Just High-Definition CGI

Listen, we all knew Emmy Rossum was a perfectionist, but this is taking the 'Golden Age of Television' a bit too far. Emmy recently opened up about her 'trippy' IVF experience, and sources—by which I mean my own overactive imagination—say she was stunned to find out her newborn doesn't actually exist in the physical realm. Apparently, the lab was so advanced they just handed her a USB stick and a green screen. She’s reportedly obsessed with how the baby never cries, mostly because its audio is stuck on 'mute' in the settings menu. Emmy was seen trying to burp the child, only to realize she was just patting a very expensive holographic projection. Talk about a postpartum glow! The kid literally has a built-in lens flare and zero spit-up issues because pixels don't have stomachs. Friends say the actress is thrilled because she never has to buy diapers, just cloud storage. However, the 'trippy' part kicked in when she realized the baby requires a software update every three hours just to keep its eyes open. It’s the ultimate Hollywood accessory: a child that is perpetually color-graded to match her living room furniture.