FBI Begs Martha Stewart to Stop Using Cruise Radar to Hunt Prime Lobster

Look, we all knew Martha Stewart didn't do 'buffet style' but apparently, the FBI is now getting involved in her nautical nonsense. While the feds are officially warning us to stay safe at sea, the real threat is Martha on a pontoon boat looking for the perfect crustacean. Word is she’s been haunting the Atlantic with a vintage spyglass and a chef’s knife, making even the most seasoned sailors nervous about their shrimp cocktails. Deep-sea sources say Martha isn't just vacationing; she’s conducting a hostile takeover of the ocean's inventory. She allegedly tried to redecorate the captain’s bridge because the nautical maps weren't 'visually cohesive.' When the crew told her to step back, she simply handed them a recipe for poached sea bass and told them to 'find their purpose.' The FBI warning basically translates to: if you see a woman in a linen tunic pointing at a whale and asking if it’s sustainably sourced, run for the lifeboats. She’s not here for the bingo; she’s here for the brine. Honestly, the only crime being committed is Martha pretending a standard cruise cabin has enough thread count for a nap.