Follicle Frontiersmen: John Cena and the Great Scalp Land Reclamation Project

Honey, the secrets are finally blowing in the wind—literally. While mere mortals spend their thirties crying over the shower drain, John Cena and his band of merry follicle-fighters have decided that Mother Nature's eviction notice was merely a suggestion. Our favorite invisible wrestler is proving that while you can’t see him, you can certainly see his brand-new, dense-as-a-rainforest hairline. It’s not just a wrestling ring anymore; it’s a surgical theater where brows are being moved north and gaps are being filled faster than a pothole in a landslide. It takes a real man to admit that his widow’s peak was becoming more of a widow’s plateau. Cena and the gang aren't just getting plugs; they’re basically reforesting their skulls for the sake of high-definition television and our collective viewing pleasure. Akon and the boys are out here showing off results that look so lush you could successfully graze a small flock of sheep on their temples. We salute these brave soldiers of the scalp. If they can survive a transplant, they can survive anything—well, except maybe a very strong gust of wind or an extremely curious toddler with sticky hands. Stay hairy, kings!