Gluten-Free Celebs Outraged as Chubby Hippo Named After Delicious Bread Roll

Enie van de Meiklokjes presides over a carbohydrate-heavy naming ceremony while Hollywood's carb-phobic elite spiral into a collective gluten-induced panic attack.

Move over, Moo Deng! There is a new moisture-retaining diva in town, and she is literally named after a snack. Zoo Berlin has officially christened its baby pygmy hippo Brötchen, which translates to 'Bread Roll.' While the rest of us are squealing at the sight of this slippery little carb-queen, the health-conscious inhabitants of Calabasas are reportedly clutching their kale smoothies in absolute terror. German TV legend Enie van de Meiklokjes was on hand to usher the pudgy princess into the spotlight. Enie, who knows a thing or two about baking, clearly understands that the only thing better than a sourdough starter is a semi-aquatic mammal that looks like it was shaped by a Michelin-star pastry chef. The hippo is round, glossy, and arguably more talented than most influencers currently haunting the red carpet. However, the drama is heating up. Sources say that A-list celebrities who haven't touched a bagel since 2004 are feeling 'personally attacked' by the hippo’s unapologetic doughy aesthetic. There are rumors of a boycott, with one anonymous starlet reportedly demanding the hippo be renamed 'Zucchini Ribbon' to better align with modern wellness values. For now, Brötchen is ignoring the haters and focusing on her craft: being moist and having no neck. We can only hope her next move is a brand deal with a luxury butter company. Stay yeast-y, girl!