Gwyneth Paltrow Discovers Pants, World Officially Runs Out of Things to Report

Breaking news from the land of Goop: Gwyneth Paltrow has successfully navigated the complex geometry of a pair of trousers. Eyewitnesses at her latest health summit were reportedly blinded by the sheer normalcy of a crewneck sweater, a garment previously thought to be too 'low-vibration' for the Oscar winner's ethereal frame. Sources say the wide-leg pants were so wide they could comfortably house a small family of organic farmers or three of those expensive jade eggs she’s always talking about. By pairing them with a brown belt, Gwyneth has signaled to the universe that she is finally ready to participate in the physical realm, or at least the part of it that shops at luxury boutiques. While the rest of us are struggling to manifest a basic ham sandwich, Paltrow is out here reinventing the concept of 'wearing clothes.' The strappy heels were a bold choice, mostly because we assumed she only traveled via levitation or on the backs of highly-paid assistants. Truly, her ability to put one leg into a hole and then the other leg into a different hole is the kind of high-level wellness content we didn't know we needed.