Harrison Ford Refuses to Acknowledge Linear Time While Eating Expensive Artisanal Toast

Listen, we all saw the photos. Harrison Ford is out here looking like he’s discovered the Fountain of Youth, or at least a very high-end moisturizer that costs more than my lease. While normal people over 75 are busy figuring out how to use the 'mute' button on Zoom, Harrison is busy being an international treasure and probably flying a plane into a sunset just for the vibes. I heard from a guy who knows a guy that Harrison doesn't even use a calendar anymore. He just looks at a sundial and decides it's 1981 whenever he feels like wearing a leather jacket. He’s joined by other ageless wonders like Cher, who we are convinced is actually a holographic projection from a cooler dimension where nobody has ever heard of a wrinkle. It’s honestly rude. Most of us wake up with a mysterious back injury from sleeping too hard, but these icons are out here looking 'Then and Now' and the only difference is the lighting budget. If this is what 75 looks like, I’m skipping my thirties entirely and heading straight for the artisanal toast and the grumpy-yet-charming legacy phase.