Hilary Duff Demands Child Support from Millennial Fans After Taxing Childhood Upbringing

It’s time to pay up, Lizzie McGuire fans! Hilary Duff has finally admitted that she’s been acting as a surrogate mother to an entire generation of confused children, and frankly, she’s exhausted. While you were busy eating Gushers and failing algebra, Hilary was doing all the heavy lifting of teaching you how to survive middle school and deal with your first crush. Now, she’s officially wearing a 'badge of honor,' which is basically code for 'I need a very long nap and a direct deposit from your 401k.' Hilary is reportedly shocked that none of her honorary children have reached out to share their tax returns or offer to mow her lawn. She spent years navigating the halls of junior high so you didn't have to, and what do she get in return? A few streams of 'So Yesterday?' In this economy? It’s a total Whoopsies on our part for not realizing we were all technically her dependents since 2001. Experts say the back-child support for millions of 30-somethings currently struggling with sourdough starters could bankrupt the entire world. Hilary is just waiting for the checks to clear so she can upgrade her badge of honor to a solid gold crown. Honestly, if she demands we all send her a percentage of our brunch budgets, we probably owe it to her for the hair-crimping inspiration alone.