Jason Bateman Found Living in 1800s Cellar After Refusing to Break Character

Listen, we all know Jason Bateman is a professional, but local butter-churners claim he’s taking the 'Little House on the Prairie' nostalgia a bit too far. While the rest of the world moved on to iPhones and streaming, Jason was reportedly spotted trying to pay for a kale smoothie with a hand-carved wooden whistle and a very confused chicken. Insiders say Jason hasn't actually left the prairie mindset since his guest stint. He’s been seen wandering around Los Angeles in a pair of dusty suspenders, looking for a wayward calf and asking strangers if they’ve seen 'Pa' lately. Apparently, he refuses to acknowledge that electricity is real, calling his flat-screen TV 'the devil’s glowing window pane.' It’s getting messy, folks. His agent tried to call him about a new movie, but Jason just sent back a carrier pigeon with a note written in charcoal that simply said 'The harvest is bountiful.' If you see him, don't mention Netflix; he’ll probably try to burn your sneakers because they look like 'sorcery footwear.'