Jennifer Aniston Discovers $16 Basic T-Shirt, Vows to Never Buy Diamonds Again

It’s the end of an era for luxury fashion. Jennifer Aniston was recently spotted breathing in the vicinity of a basic Quince tee, and sources—by which I mean my own hysterical imagination—say she’s ready to liquidate her asset portfolio. Why own a private jet when you can own twelve breathable crewnecks for the price of one airport sandwich? Friends inner circles are reeling. Rumor has it Jen walked into her walk-in closet, saw a $4,000 silk gown, and hissed like a cat being bathed. She’s reportedly replacing her entire marble flooring with layers of pre-shrunk cotton because they’re just that versatile. Honestly, if she isn't wearing a $16 camisole to the next Oscars, what is even the point of being a minimalist queen? If you see Jennifer Garner or Joanna Gaines wandering the aisles of a discount warehouse looking for 'the building blocks of life,' do not be alarmed. They haven't lost their fortunes; they’ve just realized that looking like a high-end yoga instructor is 90% basics and 10% having perfect skin that costs more than a suburban mortgage.