Jennifer Garner Marries Herself In Elaborate Fifty-Year-Old Bachelorette-Of-One Ceremony

Jennifer Garner has finally found her soulmate, and it turns out she’s been staring at her in the mirror this whole time. Forget Batman and forget the guy from the coffee commercials; Jen decided that for her 50th birthday, the only person worthy of her 'I do' was the woman who single-handedly made cardigan sweaters a personality trait. Witnesses say the ceremony was breathtakingly narcissistic in the most adorable way possible. Jen walked herself down the aisle, presumably tripping over a stray pebble just to keep things relatable, and then proceeded to feed herself a gigantic slice of expensive gluten-free cake. She even threw the bouquet at her own face, resulting in a mild bruise that she immediately treated with an artisanal honey poultice. The reception was a wild affair where Jennifer toasted herself for three hours, occasionally stopping to ask herself how she stays so grounded while being a literal human sunbeam. There are rumors she even had a heated argument with herself over who gets to control the TV remote, but the couple eventually made up during the first dance, which was just Jen spinning in circles until she got dizzy and had to sit down. Friends say the honeymoon was a solo trip to a craft store where she bought enough yarn to knit a sweater for a medium-sized blue whale. Honestly, if this means we never have to see another 'Sad Ben' meme again, we are fully supportive of this holy matrimony of one. Congratulations to the happy girl!