Jersey Royal Frank Catania Jr. Marries Wine Grapes in Portuguese Fever Dream

It finally happened, and no, it wasn’t a fever dream caused by eating too much cured ham. Frank Catania Jr. has officially tied the knot in Portugal, proving that he is the only man from the Jersey shore capable of navigating an airport without getting lost in a duty-free tanning oil aisle. The wedding was so 'elegant' that the local grapes were reportedly intimidated by his jawline. Dolores Catania was spotted looking like the absolute final boss of Housewives, radiating enough maternal energy to power the entire European power grid. We can only assume the bridesmaids were forced to sign NDAs promising not to mention the word 'Teresa' for the duration of the flight. The ceremony took place in wine country, which is Portuguese for 'an excuse to drink until you forget how much the florist charged.' Word on the street is that the couple chose Portugal because the local architecture matches Frank’s granite-like physique. They spent the night dancing, drinking wine, and trying to explain to the locals that a 'gabagool' is not a mythological sea monster. It’s a beautiful new chapter for the family, mostly because the flight back gives everyone ten hours to gossip about who didn't get an invite.