Katie Holmes Officially Retires From Professional Singlehood To Hold Hands With Paint-Stained Hipster

Pack it up, everyone. Katie Holmes has officially clocked out of the lonely hearts club and clocked into the studio of Jason Bard Yarmosky. She was spotted in the Hamptons performing the most dangerous act a celebrity can commit: the interlocking of digits. It’s a bold move for a woman whose previous accessory of choice was usually an oversized tote bag or a heavy sense of mystery. Word on the street is that Katie is finally dating a guy who probably knows the difference between eggshell and ecru. Sources say Jason is an 'artist,' which in New York terms means he owns at least four pairs of expensive overalls and knows how to look pensive in front of a canvas. Honestly, after years of Tom Cruise’s couch-jumping and Jamie Foxx’s disappearing acts, a man who spends his days staring at drying oil paint is basically a spa day in human form. Witnesses say the hand-holding was 'vigorous' and 'deliberate.' It wasn’t just a casual brush of the palms; it was a full-on structural commitment. If these two get any closer, they might actually start sharing a scarf, and we all know that’s the celebrity equivalent of a blood oath. Stay tuned while we wait to see if he paints her like one of his French girls or just someone who really likes overpriced green juice.