Kim Kardashian Charges Two Million Small Talk Token Per Nuptial To Officiate Weddings

Move over, professional ministers. Kim Kardashian has officially entered her era of holy matrimony management, and let’s just say the 'power' vested in her comes with a very heavy sponsorship requirement. It’s not enough to get married anymore; you haven't truly bonded for life until a Skims mogul is standing at the altar telling you that your lighting is suboptimal for the grid. Word on the street is that Kim isn't just officiating for the vibes. She’s bringing her own glam squad to the pulpit and reportedly charging a fee of three viral TikToks and a lifetime supply of loyalty. If you want her to say the traditional vows, it’s extra. Most couples are opting for the 'Executive Producer' package where she legally marries you while simultaneously live-tweeting your choice of appetizers. Sources say the ceremony involves a three-step contouring process for the groom and a mandatory selfie session before anyone is allowed to say 'amen.' If the guest list doesn't include at least five people with verified badges, Kim reportedly just mimes the ceremony while checking her reflection in the silver cake stand. It's the ultimate luxury wedding upgrade: eternal love, plus a fifty-percent chance of being featured in a transition reel.