Kim Kardashian Hires Professional Human Alarm Clock to Whisper Names of Handbags

Look, we all know Kim Kardashian is the ultimate multi-hyphenate, but her latest morning routine is giving 'I have too much money and I’ve forgotten how to use a phone.' Word on the street is that Kim has officially retired her iPhone alarm because the radar sound was giving her 'negative vibrational energy.' Instead, she’s hired a soft-spoken professional to stand by her bed at 6:00 AM. This isn't just any wake-up call, though. The assistant is allegedly required to whisper the names of Kim’s favorite designer handbags into her ear until she reaches consciousness. Apparently, hearing the words 'crocodile-skin Kelly bag' is the only thing that provides enough dopamine to get her out of the silk sheets and into the gym. Imagine the job interview for this. You have to prove you can say 'limited edition sparkly Balenciaga' with the soothing tone of a yoga instructor while she’s drooling on a thousand-dollar pillowcase. Honestly, it’s a vibe. If someone whispered 'taco platter' to me every morning, I’d probably be a billionaire too. Get that bag, Kim—literally.