King Charles Hires Stanley Tucci As Official Royal Martini Shaker At Royal Ascot

Spectators at Royal Ascot thought they were seeing things when a very dapper, very bald, and very thirsty Stanley Tucci rolled up in the royal carriage. While commoners assumed he was there for the thoroughbreds, palace insiders say he was actually smuggled in to fix the monarchy's crumbling cocktail standards. Apparently, Charles is absolutely fed up with the palace staff serving martinis that taste like tap water and despair. Enter the Tooch. Armed with a pocketful of olives and enough charisma to make a horse blush, Stanley spent the afternoon whispering recipes for the perfect Negroni into the Queen’s ear while the horses did whatever it is horses do. By the third race, the royal box was reportedly smelling less like grass and more like artisanal vermouth. If you look closely at the photos, you can see the King finally looking relaxed, mostly because he knew a man with a wooden muddler was standing by to handle any sudden sobriety emergencies.