Local Weirdos Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin Invent New Sport Called Extreme Platonic Brunching

Listen, we all know Gwyneth Paltrow basically invented the concept of breaking up without throwing a single LEED-certified candle at someone's head. But her and Chris Martin are taking this 'BFFs with your ex' thing to a level that is frankly terrifying for the rest of us normal people who just delete their numbers and cry into a tub of ice cream. Word on the street is that these two are so close after their split that they’ve entered the professional league of Extreme Platonic Brunching. We're talking high-stakes avocado toast sharing and synchronized kale smoothie sipping. Sources—by which I mean my own jealousy—say they actually spend their weekends arguing over who gets to hold the gluten-free bagel first. It’s getting weird, honey. Most of us see our ex at a supermarket and hide behind the frozen peas until the coast is clear, but Gwyneth and Chris are out here acting like they’re auditioning for a remake of The Parent Trap where the parents just stay divorced and talk about breathwork. If being this well-adjusted is the goal, I think I’ll stick to being messy. Give me a dramatic public unfollow and a cryptic Instagram story any day over a peaceful hike with the man who used to leave his damp towels on my floor.