Local Woman Discovers Moving On Is Not a Straight Line to the Mall

Jen Hamilton stuns the internet with the shocking revelation that emotions actually go up and down like a caffeinated kangaroo.

In a digital manifesto that has left the brunch crowd gasping, Jen Hamilton has officially confirmed that healing is not linear. Apparently, we were all under the impression that getting over a breakup was as simple as walking a tightrope over a pit of ex-boyfriends, but Jen is here to set the record straight: it's actually more like a game of Snakes and Ladders where the ladders are made of cheese and the snakes are made of crying into your cereal. Jen took to the screen to explain that some days she feels like a girlboss ready to conquer the world, and other days she feels like a slightly damp piece of toast left in the rain. It turns out that 'moving on' isn't a high-speed rail to happiness, but rather a rickety unicycle ride through a swamp of old memories. Who knew that human feelings didn't follow the same logical path as a GPS navigating to the nearest Taco Bell? The influencer compared her current state to a rollercoaster, which is great news for fans of dizziness and nausea but bad news for anyone hoping she’d just magically turn into a zen monk overnight. Fans are reportedly supportive, though many are just relieved to hear that being a hot mess is finally back in fashion for the season. As Jen continues to navigate the zig-zags of life, we’re all waiting to see if she eventually finds a shortcut or if she’s destined to keep doing laps around the Fountain of Sadness until her emotional pedometer hits a million steps.