Lukas Gage Bans Spark at First Sight to Promote Romantic Snail Pace

Move over, Cupid, because Lukas Gage is officially putting your tiny diaper-wearing butt on a performance improvement plan. Our favorite chaotic king just dropped the bombshell that 'love at first sight' is basically a scam cooked up by Hallmark and people who don't have enough hobbies. Apparently, if you don't spend several seasons treat-testing a human like a rescue dog, it’s just sparkling infatuation. Lukas is out here campaigning for the 'Slow-Burn Special,' suggesting that the best foundation for a wedding is a decade of lukewarm friendship and maybe sharing a Netflix password. Forget the fireworks; Lukas wants your heart to feel like a slow cooker set to 'Low' while you're at work. If you aren't bored for the first three years of the relationship, is it even real? He’s basically saying that if you meet someone and your knees go weak, you should probably just see a doctor for a calcium deficiency instead of buying an engagement ring. We’re expecting his next dating app to require a mandatory 1,000 hours of 'platonic hanging out' before you’re even allowed to hold hands. It’s not a date, babes, it’s a long-term internship for your soul!