Matt Damon Held Hostage By Five Minute Boston Accented Voicemails From Office Prankster

It’s a dark day for Hollywood’s favorite Bostonian. Matt Damon has finally broken his silence regarding the psychological warfare being waged against his smartphone. Apparently, John Krasinski is using his unlimited data plan to leave five-minute-long voicemails in a thick, screeching Boston accent. We’re talking 'wicked pissa' levels of auditory trauma. Matt says he’s usually reduced to tears by the end of these marathon recordings, which feature John playing a bitter, fictional character who probably hates the Sox and loves a sale on khakis. It’s one thing to get a prank call from a friend, but receiving what is essentially a one-man Off-Broadway play about Dunkin’ Donuts every single morning is bordering on an international crisis. Sources say Matt’s voicemail storage is currently 98% filled with John screaming about the Big Dig. While the rest of us just text 'u up?' like normal people, Jim from The Office is out here delivering a Shakespearian monologue through a filter of Sam Adams and regret. Matt, honey, there is a block button for a reason. Use it before he starts faxing you chowder recipes.