Matt Damon Vows to Only Blink Every Third Wednesday to Save Time

Matt Damon has finally hit that milestone age where your knees creak louder than a haunted house floorboard, and he’s had a total epiphany. No more wasting time on trivial tasks like 'remembering where he put the keys' or 'listening to Ben Affleck talk about J-Lo.' No, our boy Matt is getting 'intentional,' which is celebrity-speak for 'I’m too rich to wait in line for a latte ever again.' Word on the street is that Matt’s new time-management strategy is so extreme he’s started wearing two watches—one for the current timezone and one that just counts down the seconds until he can go back to his secret Martian colony. He’s cut his showers down to three seconds flat, claiming that the steam was clouding his vision for the future, which mostly involves looking handsome in linen shirts. He’s even trying to shave seconds off his conversations by removing vowels entirely. If you see him at a party, don’t expect a 'Hello, how are you?' You’re lucky if you get a crisp, intentional grunt while he power-walks to his next scheduled thought. He’s 50 now, people! He doesn’t have time for your silly little consonants or your anecdotes about cats.