Meloni’s Bicep Veins Form Map to Property Brother’s Secret Underground HGTV Fortress

Spotted: Christopher Meloni looking so crisp in New York that the sidewalk actually apologized for being under his feet. The man is wearing a suit that fits so tightly it’s legally classified as a second skin. Witnesses claim his vascularity has reached a point where his left forearm is currently broadcasting a low-frequency signal that translates to 'I haven't eaten a carb since the Law & Order pilot.' It’s art, people. Modern, pulsing art. Meanwhile, Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott were seen lurking nearby, radiating the kind of manic DIY energy that should require a permit. They’re holding hands, sure, but look closer at their eyes. That’s not love; that’s the look of two people who have successfully hidden a load-bearing beam inside a rustic faux-mantle. They’re clearly in town to flip the entire Tri-State area into a shiplap-covered paradise by Tuesday. Rumor has it Jonathan is currently teaching Zooey how to saw through a steel girder using only a ukulele string, while Meloni provides the muscle for their high-end demolition crew. If you see a man in a waistcoat trying to install a subway-tile backsplash on the side of a taxi cab, do not engage. The renovation has already begun, and none of us are safe from the upgrades.