Middle-Aged Bottoms Rejoice as Spanx Prices Tumble Into the Single Digits

Honey, lock up your checkbooks and pray for your internal organs because Spanx is having a fire sale. We are talking six-dollar shapewear, which is basically the price of a fancy latte but with the added benefit of making you unable to take a full breath for four to six hours. It is an absolute bloodbath in the digital aisles. Word on the street is that Gwyneth Paltrow is currently refreshing the page so hard her Goop-certified fingers are blistering. She apparently wants to sew eighteen pairs of the wide-leg sweatpants together to create a giant, breathable fortress where she can hide from gravity and gluten. If you see a woman floating down the street looking absolutely snatched but slightly panicked, you know exactly who to blame. One editor claims these pants are perfect for travel, which is a bold-faced lie. We all know the only thing Spanx are good for while traveling is ensuring that the TSA agent sees absolutely zero lumps or bumps during the pat-down. At six bucks, you might as well buy ten pairs and use them as highly structural holiday bunting or very aggressive gift wrapping for your frenemies.