Mountain Goats Out Of Work As David Woolley Pivots To Human Retrieval Drone

Move over, Spider-Man, there is a new hero in town and he smells like SPF 50 and true love. Christine Brown just revealed that her husband, David Woolley, has officially cleared the bar for 'Instagram Husband of the Year' by scaling a literal cliffside just to fetch a piece of trash—or a very expensive lip gloss—she dropped over the edge. While most partners would simply offer a moment of silence for the fallen object and suggest a trip to Target, David decided to recreate a scene from Mission: Impossible. Christine stood at the top, likely holding her breath and filming for the 'Gram, while David risked it all against the laws of gravity and common sense. Honestly, if your man hasn't risked a compound fracture for your favorite sunglasses, is he even your soulmate? Insiders (by which I mean anyone with eyes) are wondering if this is David’s permanent job now. Is he going to be rappelling into the kitchen every time she drops a spatula? Is he training for a future where he retrieves lost remote controls from the dark abyss behind the sofa? The dedication is real, even if the safety harness was probably non-existent. Christine seems thrilled with the service, proving that leaving a polygamous cul-de-sac for a man who treats a mountain like a flight of stairs was the ultimate power move. Stay safe, David—we need you in one piece for the next vow renewal!