Nicole Kidman Surrenders to Flat Earth Movement by Wearing Regular Human Gym Shoes

Citizens of the world, brace yourselves. Nicole Kidman has finally reached the ground. After decades of hovering four feet above us on architectural heels that look like they were designed by NASA, the Oscar winner was spotted wearing white sneakers. Witnesses say she looked alarmingly stable, though her knees were reportedly confused by the sudden lack of high-altitude vertigo. She paired the orthopedic wonders with straight-leg jeans and a button-down shirt, signaling to the paparazzi that she is ready to participate in activities like 'walking to the mailbox' or 'standing for more than eight minutes.' It’s a brave new world for a woman whose natural habitat is a velvet rope and a three-foot silk train. Insiders claim the sneakers cost as little as thirty-five dollars, which is roughly the price of a single grape at the supermarkets Nicole usually frequents. We can only assume she bought them after losing a high-stakes bet with a commoner or perhaps she’s just training for the ultimate marathon: standing in line at the DMV like the rest of us peasants.