Olivia Rodrigo Spotted Cuddling Man with Last Name Longer Than Her Entire Discography

Spotted: Olivia Rodrigo in a New York City park, looking absolutely cozy with a man named Julian Croonenberghs. Honestly, I’m just impressed she can fit that whole last name on a Valentine’s Day card without running out of ink or patience. Witnesses say they were 'cuddling,' but we all know that’s just Gen Z code for 'calculating how many Scrabble points he’s worth.' If you thought 'Drivers License' was a long title, wait until you try to pronounce Julian’s surname after two iced coffees. It’s got more consonants than a box of alphabet soup, and Olivia seems to be loving every syllable. They were seen whispering sweet nothings, which I assume was just Olivia asking him to spell his name slowly so she can trademark the inevitable heartbreak ballad. While the rest of us are out here dating guys named 'Gary' who forget to text back, Olivia has secured a Belgian stallion with a name that sounds like a very expensive brand of artisanal sourdough. The vibes were high, the scarves were chunky, and the PDA was just enough to make every single person on the subway feel even more alone. Good for her! Hopefully, this relationship lasts longer than it takes the average person to Google how to pronounce 'Croonenberghs.' If things get serious, he better be ready to have his entire personality dismantled in a bridge that goes triple platinum by next Tuesday.