Oprah Dumps School Property to Become The World’s Most Aggressive Fairy Godmother

Oprah Winfrey is officially over the whole 'being a landlord' vibe. While we’re all out here struggling to remember our Netflix passwords, O is closing down her South Africa girls' academy because she’s decided that physical buildings are so 2007. She’s basically pulling a 'You get a scholarship! And you get a scholarship!' but on a global, digital scale. Word on the street is that Oprah realized she can’t personally high-five every student if they're all stuck in one zip code. By pivoting to a scholarship fund, she’s essentially becoming a high-powered, billionaire version of a magical sprite, raining down tuition money from her private jet like it’s confetti at a Beyoncé concert. Insiders say the new plan involves way less worrying about the plumbing in the dorms and way more time spent being an international icon of benevolence. She’s trading the principal’s office for a gold-plated laptop and a dream of funding literally everyone's degree in 'Being Fabulous.' Honestly, it’s a power move. Why manage a cafeteria menu when you can just Venmo the entire youth of the world their future? Stay tuned as Oprah inevitably tries to figure out how to give a car to someone over Zoom.