Patrick Dempsey Reveals Secret to Marriage is Looking Exactly Like A Sturdy Woodpile

Listen, we all thought McDreamy was just a nickname for a guy who looks great in scrubs, but it turns out Patrick Dempsey’s real superpower is just aging like a very expensive piece of artisanal cheddar. He and Jillian have been together for thirty years, and honestly, the only drama in this household is deciding which bottle of anti-aging serum to fight over at 7:00 AM. Word on the street is that Jillian, a makeup pro, basically uses Patrick as a human canvas to test out glitters and bronzers before he goes off to race cars or whatever it is men do when they have too much hair. It’s a match made in heaven: she needs a face, and he has the most structurally sound face in the Northern Hemisphere. It’s less of a marriage and more of a long-term architectural preservation project. While the rest of us are out here looking like wet bread after three years of dating, these two are posing in fields looking like they just stepped out of a catalog for people who own horses they don't ride. The secret isn't communication or shared values; it’s clearly just having a bone structure that could slice through a block of frozen butter without even flinching.