Paul Rudd’s Painting in Attic Discovered Screaming as Actor Refuses to Age

Look, we all knew something was up. Nobody stays that smooth without either a deal with a higher power or a very expensive collection of jade rollers. While the rest of the Clueless cast decided to embrace the linear progression of time like regular mortals, Paul Rudd has spent the last thirty years looking like he just stepped out of a high school chemistry final. Neighbors finally got suspicious when they noticed Paul’s trash only contained empty bottles of fountain water and Greek yogurt containers from 1995. A brave socialite decided to snoop through his crawlspace and found it: a dusty canvas of a man who looks about 150 years old, covered in liver spots and wearing a backwards baseball cap. Every time Paul wins a 'Sexiest Man Alive' title, the painting apparently develops a new turkey neck. Alicia Silverstone is reportedly totally buggin' over the discovery. She’s been out here saving the planet and eating kale to stay youthful, while Paul has just been outsourcing his crow's feet to an oil painting hidden behind some Christmas decorations. It’s honestly the ultimate betrayal of the ensemble cast dynamic. Experts say the portrait is now so hideous that it has to be kept in a lead-lined box to prevent it from scaring the local wildlife. Meanwhile, Paul was spotted yesterday looking twenty-two years old while buying a skateboard and a pack of sugarless gum. Stay hydrated, everyone, or just find a cursed canvas at a garage sale.