Pete Davidson Claims Diaper Changes Are Basically Just Tiny Grunge Concert Internships

The apocalypse is officially here and it smells like lavender-scented baby powder. Pete Davidson has entered his fatherhood era, and sources say he’s treating the nursery like a backstage green room at SNL. He’s reportedly trying to convince the infant that wearing a tiny beanie indoors is a substitute for a personality, which is the most Pete Davidson move in the history of genetics. Meanwhile, Chris Evans is taking his first Father’s Day so seriously that he’s probably shielding his newborn with a vibranium-grade baby blanket. We hear Captian America is currently stuck in a standoff with a high-tech stroller that has more buttons than his suit, while Jake Bongiovi is busy explaining to a three-month-old why hairspray was a vital part of the family’s historical legacy. It’s a chaotic time for Hollywood’s newest girl-dads and boy-moms. Between Justin Theroux allegedly tailoring custom leather onesies and the rest of the gang realizing that 'nap time' is just a myth invented by big pharma, 2026 is looking like the year of the designer diaper bag. Godspeed to these men; may their coffee be strong and their spit-up be beige to match their Yeezy sets.