ROB LOWE REFUSES TO SQUINT: TEEN IDOL DEMANDS GRANDKIDS CALL HIM GLAM-PA

Rob Lowe has a bone to pick with Father Time, and honestly, the bone is probably incredibly toned and moisturized. After his son got engaged, the man who hasn't aged since the Reagan administration decided that being a grandpa doesn't mean rocking chairs and Werther's Originals. No, Rob is on a mission to make grand-parenting the new thirst trap. Word on the street is that Rob is currently auditioning alternative names because 'Gramps' is apparently a slur in his household. He’s reportedly leaning toward 'G-Dawg,' 'Zaddy-Senior,' or just 'The Architect.' He wants to be the first man in history to change a diaper while simultaneously holding a bicep peak for a localized gym selfie. Insiders say the actor is already planning the world’s first infant-friendly skincare line so the baby’s glowing complexion doesn't upstage his own. If you think this man is going to let a toddler call him 'Old Man,' you’ve got another thing coming. He’s already looking for a stroller that can be pulled by a jet ski. At the end of the day, Rob Lowe isn't just becoming a grandfather; he’s staging a hostile takeover of the golden years. Expect him to be the only person at the playground wearing leather pants and a sheer linen shirt while discussing his intermittent fasting schedule with a group of confused pigeons.