Robert Smith Unlocked Dark Mode In Woody Johnson’s Sparkly Billionaire Suite

While the rest of the world was busy cheering for goals, Robert Smith was busy manifesting a rainy Tuesday in 1982 from the comfort of a billionaire’s luxury suite. Sources say the goth king spent the entire World Cup final staring intensely at a single blade of grass while Woody Johnson tried to explain what a 'touchdown' was. Smith, who famously prefers his soccer with a side of existential dread, reportedly took one look at the half-time show's neon lights and decided the vibes were simply too jubilant for human consumption. He wasn't just mad; he was 'cursing the very concept of joy' mad. The eyeliner remained flawless despite the high-altitude humidity of being surrounded by people who actually own private jets. Witnesses claim Smith spent most of the match hiding behind a velvet curtain because the stadium lights were 'disrespectfully bright.' He allegedly demanded the DJ replace the half-time anthem with a forty-minute loop of a distant foghorn. Honestly, we have no choice but to stan a legend who brings his own personal storm cloud to a VIP party.