Stephen Colbert Abandons Humanity to Pledge Eternal Allegiance to Birthday Boy Benny

After two grueling months of silence where we assumed he was roaming the woods and living off organic berries, Stephen Colbert finally logged back onto the internet. Was it to save democracy? No. Was it to announce a secret musical career? Sadly, no. It was all for Benny, a dog who doesn't even know how to use an iPad. Stephen literally ignored the cries of millions of fans just to post about a golden retriever's birthday. While we were all out here losing our minds wondering if he’d forgotten how to tell a joke, he was busy counting the candles on a pup-cake and probably singing in that high-pitched voice we all use for 'good boys.' Honestly, it's the ultimate power move. Most celebrities come back to social media to sell you a questionable skin serum or a crypto-scam, but Stephen just wants us to know his dog is aging gracefully. He’s basically saying, 'I have nothing to say to you humans, but look at this wet nose.' We see how it is, Colbert. If we want a shoutout, we’ll start wearing flea collars and chasing mailmen. Until then, we’ll just be here refreshing our feeds, waiting for the cat’s birthday to get a crumb of attention.