Susan Sarandon Arrested by Sand-Covered Hipsters for Bringing Only One-Ply Toilet Paper

It turns out the desert isn't all neon fur coats and questionable spiritual awakenings. Susan Sarandon learned that the hard way when she ventured into the dust, only to discover that 'radical self-reliance' actually means bringing enough artisanal snacks to appease a fleet of hungry influencers. Word on the playa is Susan was literally cornered by a group of tech bros in goggles because her campsite lacked a dedicated kombucha fountain. While Paris Hilton was busy being a literal galactic Barbie in platform boots, Susan was out there living like a pioneer woman, which is apparently a major fashion crime in the Nevada flats. My sources say a group of nomads tried to trade her a handcrafted crystal necklace for her secret stash of name-brand crackers, but Susan held her ground like the legend she is. You can take the girl out of Hollywood, but you can't take the expectation of a decent air conditioner out of the girl. By the time the dust settled, Susan had allegedly been 'sentenced' to three hours of interpretive dance inside a giant wooden swan. Honestly, it sounds less like a festival and more like a very expensive fever dream where everyone smells like patchouli and ego. If this is what the A-list considers a vacation, I’ll stay right here in the smog with my delivery apps and my flushing toilet, thanks!