Taylor Swift Wears Pricey Fabric Tail To Distract From Eternal Singleness

Taylor Swift has finally addressed the nation’s growing anxiety regarding her torso by donning a $1,190 Stella McCartney peplum top. Because nothing says 'I am a relatable cat lady' quite like spending a month’s rent on a scrap of fabric that provides a structural roof for your hip bones. It is a bold move for someone who usually spends her time hiding in suitcases or dodging paparazzi in gym shorts. The peplum is back, which is terrible news for anyone who enjoys looking like a human being instead of a decorative lampshade. Taylor’s version involves high-end tailoring, while the rest of us are being encouraged to find cheap $13 knockoffs. Why pay the price of a used car for a shirt when you can buy a polyester version that melts if you stand too close to a toaster? Insiders suggest the extra volume is necessary to hide the strictly confidential list of her next fifty era-themed re-records. Either that, or it is a specialized aerodynamic flap designed to help her fly away from awkward conversations at football games. Whatever the reason, we are all legally obligated to pretend this silhouette is flattering until the next album drop.