Tight End Tightens The Noose: Brock Bowers Scores Ring After Six-Year Huddle

Listen, we’ve seen some slow play-calling in the NFL, but Brock Bowers just performed a six-year-long snap count before finally popping the question to Cameron Newell. Most people graduate college, start a career, and go through three haircuts in that time, but Brock was clearly waiting for the perfect red zone opportunity to secure the ultimate catch. Word on the street is that while Brock is used to bulldozing linebackers, he was shaking like a leaf when it came time to present the sparkler. Honestly, after nearly six years of dating, Cameron probably already had her ring finger measured, the venue booked, and a backup groom on standby just in case he decided to take it to double overtime. Now that the deal is sealed, we’re mostly concerned about the wedding registry. Does one buy a professional tight end a toaster, or just a giant tub of protein powder and some tacky silver-and-black candlesticks to match his Raiders uniform? Either way, Cameron is officially off the market, and Brock has found the only person who can actually tackle him in the off-season.