Viking Goal Machine Erling Haaland Confirms Son Already Has 24-Pack Abs

It’s official: Erling Haaland and Isabel Haugseng Johansen have successfully cloned the ultimate warrior. While most newborns are busy crying for milk or staring blankly at ceiling fans, insiders say the Haaland heir is already putting in four hours of cardio and screaming at the moon. Sources close to the nursery suggest the baby was born wearing a tiny pair of golden boots and immediately tried to head-butt the delivery room doctor for not giving him enough stoppage time. Isabel is reportedly handling the chaos well, mostly because the baby doesn’t sleep; he just goes into a 'low-power tactical mode' and stares at game tape of Manchester City. We hear the couple has replaced the standard white noise machine with a recording of a stadium crowd screaming 'GOOOOAL' to ensure the kid doesn't lose his competitive edge during nap time. Erling is apparently thrilled to have a miniature version of himself to help with the weekly grocery haul, which mostly consists of magic beans and the tears of opposing defenders. If the kid starts walking before he’s six months old, don't be surprised. We’re taking bets now that 'Isabel' or 'Dada' won't be his first word—it’ll be 'Hattrick.' Stay tuned as we monitor if the toddler's hair naturally grows into a perfect, aerodynamic man-bun by the first birthday.