Woman Narrowly Survives Fitting Room Avalanche After Trying Every Item At Nordstrom

Friends, let us light a candle for the mirrors at Nordstrom. Alyssa Grabinski basically moved into a fitting room this week, hauling in enough cotton-poly blends to clothe a small European nation. Eye-witnesses claim she emerged from the curtain looking like she’d gone three rounds with a cashmere blender, but gosh, she looked expensive doing it. She allegedly sifted through dozens of 'staples'—which is fashion-speak for 't-shirts that cost as much as a utility bill.' While most of us are struggling to fit into a pair of jeans without pulling a hamstring, Alyssa was out there doing the Lord’s work, vetting sixty-dollar socks so we don't have to. It’s hard labor, but someone has to brave the fluorescent lighting for the sake of the republic. Sources say the struggle was real when she realized she actually liked the stuff. Now, her closet is weeping and her bank account is staging a formal protest. But hey, if you aren't risking a fabric-induced suffocation for a luxe cardigan, are you even really shopping? Stay safe out there, Alyssa; those Anniversary Sale hangers are sharper than they look.